omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
