capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
