That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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