oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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