i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
