And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
