he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
