we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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