Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
