Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We're too hungover to prance.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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