My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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