You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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