He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
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