Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
