dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
