Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
