We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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