i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
