hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
