I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
