you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
