i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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