Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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