I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
