I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
