well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
