then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just pee around me
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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