just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
