maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
