the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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