Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
