think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
