His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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