I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
