Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
