it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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