fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
