We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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