ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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