this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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