it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
