Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
