he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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