I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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