Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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