If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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