That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
