he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
