the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
