Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
