so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have aggressive nipples.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
