We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
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She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
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Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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