Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
