Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
