Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I got inside last night via doggy door
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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