do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
