Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
