Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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