i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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