The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
