You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I need to calm my uterus...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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