I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
