go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
