last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The police scanner is talking about you again....
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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