never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
as a side note pls kill me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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