i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
