I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
