dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
